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Prison Menu Scams

Every once in a while our self-described media watchdogs are given a case where some prisoner legally begs a judge to make the prison food-kops serve something that seems trivial, like peanut butter or not-cold meals. These stories are always good for a laugh as the news personalities deride them to fill air time. I’ve been watching them pull up these “Inmate sues for trivial nonsense!” stories for 50 years, and to hear the talking heads tell it; it’s never for any good reason. So, perceptive people may ask, “Why did the Judge take it seriously?”

One must always realize about the media that their purpose is simplification, then manipulation. Accuracy in journalism is less important than entertainment value. When their “news” is entertaining enough, someone will sit through one of their sponsors’ commercials and maybe buy some laundry detergent. Accuracy doesn’t sell anything. So, every story must be manipulated for entertainment value, or it’s liable to be tossed for something else.

Prison food lawsuit stories are only entertaining when they are made ridiculous, so that tree people can at least amuse themselves by sneering at how entitled that these hated criminals seem to act.

Amusement, however, can come in many forms. One form is in how many different, delicious sounding names that prison food kops can concoct for the same type of ground-gut Pattie that the food kops serve to their victims daily. The same ground-up, stuck together, scrap meat Pattie is, on different days, shown on the menu to be “Salisbury steak”, “chicken fried steak”, “Beef cutlet”, “Steak Pattie” and “Beef Pattie”. When it’s not stuck together into a Pattie, this same ground up scrap “meat” is called “Sloppy joe”, “Beef stew”, “Chili mac”, “Cheeseburger mac”, “Chili”, “Taco”, “Spaghetti”, “Enchilada”, “Nachos” and “yakosobe”.

Prison food profilers do the same thing with ground-up, stuck-together “Chicken” patties. The really amusing ones occur when they began naming the primary “food” that their prison slave industries run on. These are all balonies, and they are so common that they make the goat meat patties seem like delicacies by comparison. These every day balonies are “healthy” because they have turkey in them. They’re amusing because none of it looks like turkey, but the food-namers call this baloney “Turkey ‘ham’”! (There hasn’t been any pork in prison for decades because the pork-o-phobic religions took over the menu. Now these religions have their own, special prison diets trucked in just for them, and we ordinary slaves still can’t get pork!) but we can pretend, with turkey ham (baloney)! These same turkey scraps are also molded into cylindrical baloney and awarded the name “Turkey hot dogs”. And we get “Turkey a la king”, “Turkey noodle casserole”, “Turkey with gravy” and finally, “Turkey baloney on a sub roll”! Except for the turkey dogs, all of these many fine varieties of Turkey are sliced off of the same, huge “super-hot dog” of finely ground, pressed together turkey scraps.

These prison food kops especially amuse their victims by leaving a thing on their menu that tantalizes: “Baked BBQ chicken on the bone”. This is on the monthly rotation, but only occurs one day/year: July fourth. Other than this one day, nothing that is recognizable as having come from an actual, live animal gets served in prison. It’s all baloney or other ground-up, pressed-together scrap “meat” in various shapes.

As if making us survive of offal isn’t cruel enough, try to find “exotic” food in the prison diet, like cauliflower, broccoli, non-plastic “cheese” or fruit that didn’t come out of a can full of thick, nasty corn syrup! Captives do get trace amounts of onion occasionally; enough to see that it is onion, but not enough to derive any health benefit from it. I’ve seen trace amounts of fish-scraps, smashed between slabs of cornstarch-glued breading. This is solely to keep us Catholics quiet, every Friday. If you want an apple or a tiny, 21/2 inch diameter orange, you have to turn into a Muslim or a Jew, because nobody else gets these fruits. Thousands of U.S. captives have feigned these religions just to get something fit to eat! The prison food kops have gotten the wink to call bags of flavored chemicals “fruit”, as long as they have vitamin ‘C’ mixed  in with the artificial sweeteners and font ask for condiments; they’re all soy! Soy mayo, soy butter, soy salad dressing; just tweak the chemicals and soy can be anything! We’ve got fewer than 20 basic foodstuffs on a monthly rotation that only barely changes on 3 holidays per year, all of it the cheapest offal that the kops can get away with, and, when somebody finally gets off their knees to sue for real food, Perkie Coiffure and Dan Dashing take offense at it and get sarcastic about it on channel six. Hilarious!